Submission no. 2?

Okay, this is another old story that I have revised, hopefully fully corrected, and am considering submitting. This isn't, obviously, my usual genre, but I wrote it for an asignment some time ago, and there is a large market for this type of piece. I'm hoping that it will be accepted somewhere quickly, helping me begin my 'published' career. So anyway, tell me what you think, please.



Quick, But Not Painless
Ashley Deen

There are tiny tables set at discreet distances throughout the room. A woman sits at each, most sipping cocktails and looking bored. I wonder what their stories are, why they want to be here. I suppose I’m about to find out.
Delicate chimes resound through the room. Twenty-five men, myself among them, head to their first “dates”. Mine is a middle-aged bleach blonde with pancake makeup and considerable cleavage. She leans forward, threatening to spill out of her tiny crimson blouse. I’m not here for cheap sex, yet I can’t help looking. Her erect nipples, clearly visible through the thin, red satin, are pointing directly at me like twin gun-barrels. I see them as cartoon cannons, pushing forward then rebounding as they shoot out black flags with the word “bam”.
“Hiya handsome, what’s your sign?” Her nasal Bronx accent is like a cheese grater to my southern nerves.
“Um, first of May?” I haven’t a clue.
“Ooh, a Taurus. Big and strong. I’m Patty. I’m a Gemini. Do you believe in fate?” Just how long can five minutes last? I keep looking at my watch, but the hands crawl by. Chime.
If there are more like that I’m leaving. To hell with the fee, I’ll just be like normal people and go to the bar. I still don’t know how I got talked into this anyway.
My next date is a brunette, cute, feminine and shy. Thank you Lord.
“Hi, I’m Ted. This is my first time at one of these, and I was starting to get a little nervous. What do you think of the whole thing?”
Her timid smile vanished, her eyes lighting with manic interest.
“Oh, I think it’s quite fascinating. Did you know that it originated from the Amish? Rabbi Yaacov Deyo developed the concept for Jewish singles to meet and marry. Also, there’ve been many studies on the practice and its advantages. Recently the University of Bern showed olfaction and the MHC profile difference to play significant roles…”
Her voice fades as I suddenly hear two shots from next door. I glance over at a gent in an expensive suit leaning as far away from the cannons as possible. I feel a moment’s pity for him, then I tune back to my history lesson so I can make the appropriate nods for another four minutes. Chime.
Next is a slightly overweight lawyer in a severely cut suit. She begins grilling me about my lifestyle, my life goals, my life’s work and of course my life savings.
“IRA’s are like bicycles; unfortunately all the bicycles look the same…”
I decide that no one needs that much life. Chime.
Blonde, cute, no noticeable deformities… until she opens her mouth, revealing the teeth of Mr. Ed and the braying laugh of a mule. “So, did you hear the one…? …and then the monkey slipped on the banana peel! Ee-aw, Ee-aw, Ee-aw!” Chime.
Long black curls, beautiful smile, smoky voice, and is convinced that my aura is damaged and my Totem has abandoned me. “All your spiritual doors have been ripped off their hinges…”
I receive five minutes of intense Chakra therapy.
Chime.
Chime.
Chime!

I feel like I’ve been cramming for a test on a subject I’ve never studied. My mind is numb, my nose raw from the barrage of perfumes. A vein has begun to throb at my right temple and my Chakra therapy, right along with my lunch, has long since worn off. My aura and my stomach growl in unison. This was a complete waste of time. The Jewish guys can keep it.
I sit at the next table, steeling myself for whatever horrors await.
Stunning blue eyes. Almost ice blue, but warm and smiling. Her lips curve, revealing one flirty dimple. She extends her hand and surprises me with a firm grip and an honest smile.
“Hi, I’m Sarah.
“Ted.” I’m wary, where’s the catch?
“You have a solid handshake, Ted. I think that says a lot about a person. I’ve shaken so many sweaty, limp paws tonight that I’m running out of Germ-X.” Her teasing grin coaxes a chuckle from me.
“I completely understand.” I settle in, leaning forward as she begins to tell me about herself.
Maybe I owe the Rabbi a thank you after all.